Over the past couple of years, I come to define my character more prominently, of some which I’m not partially proud of. I acknowledge my flaws and imperfections, such as hardly having any sense of direction, slow at learning, lack of appreciation of people around me. I start to notice what I might be good at; controlling my emotion, blocking out memories that brings tears, telling a fib while keeping a straight face, beating around the bush..
But I do believe our character is redefined everyday, at every single time we make a decision, consciously or sub-consciously. Given the analogy of a T-junction, you either go left or right; you can’t choose both. You can only go in one direction, hopefully it leads you to become a better person than you were before. Here’s the catch.There is no turning back.
More than often, I tell people things that are not true. Revealing my true character is like stripping bare naked in the streets. Exposed and afraid. And I don’t like the feeling. Truth be told, I am willing to go the extra mile for a friend, but unfortunately, also stubborn enough to deny it. I would not want to be buried in the same situation like i was before. Naive and sincere, only to be trampled on without a thought. What are the odds of history repeating twice.
History. “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” (quoted from George Santayana) Our past is what shape us to be the person we are today. My past? It has made me cautious, suspicious and skeptical. The minute details are not important anymore, it is the aftereffect that counts. And after all that I’ve gone through, I still persist to believe in the good of mankind. because nobody is a meanie until proven otherwise.
Each individual I meet is like a white cloth, pure and fresh. Over time, I understand the weakness and strength of people around me. I don’t pass judgement, although noting the flaws ironically does benefit me. It strengthens my concept that nobody is perfect, and I don’t have to be. I used to feel inferior; everyone around me seems to be superior in one way or another. Don’t get me wrong, I still do, but it does not bothers me as much.
Life. It’s ever-changing, isn’t it? Like the earth and sky, it constantly changes, and we are, with luck, trying to keep up with it. There are certain principles of life I live by. It’s too lengthy to go into the details but at the top of my list since five years ago when i sent my new year resolution to ::Traxx.FM:: and the DJ says that it’s the most unusual yet realistic resolution; to have faith.
Sounds cliché? But it’s true. Because five years ago, I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t believe I was ever good enough. Not the perfect daughter. Not an ideal friend. Not a suitable girlfriend. And certainly not a good person as a whole. Of all the excuses I’ve given to reject boys, this is the real deal: I don’t think I’m good enough. And I still don’t. I don’t know when I will ever feel whole enough to believe I’m capable of being loved, let alone love someone.
Although loving someone may be the greatest gift of all, the feeling of losing someone you truly care about is unspeakably painful. Grief is the strangest feeling of all; it creeps up on you unexpectedly, and knock the wind out of you without any warning. For those of you lucky enough, you will never have to endure the feeling. But for the rest of us, we have to live with it forever.
My aunt lost her battle to cancer in November 2009. In some twisted way, I am thankfully blessed to not be around at her last few moments. I prefer to remember her in better health and the joy she brought into my life. She taught me how to fold my first star, she joked about replacing the last chinese character in my name, 柔, to a triangle when I couldn’t write my own name. She cut my long hair each year, and stops when cataracts deteriorates her eyesight. Apart from sewing, baking, and kneading, i learn the hidden lesson she’s been teaching all along; that life isn’t fair but there’s nothing to do but persevere.
We keep people and memories alive in our hearts. Tuck them safely in a corner. And remember them in between hectic schedules. Friends and family. People we care about more than we know. Action speaks louder than words, but it never hurts to call and say hello. To get updates on how they are doing, and if they need a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen. If we care, we should express it. You never know if a little gesture may change a life. Also, if we are too focused on the path to success, we would have missed out all the lovely flowers along the way.
Even so, there are some feelings we don’t say aloud. All we do is blow a wish in the middle of the night, and hope that someday, just someday, it may just come true…