As much as we bloggers refuse to admit, we need readers. I do. Otherwise we would be scribbling in our diaries and tucking them under the pillow at night.
I stopped writing my diary when I was 14. It was late 2005 I remembered that I carelessly put it on a recycled pile while clearing my room for the new year. My mother had an amusing habit of tearing the papers before throwing it away, and eventually she came across the sacred book. And of course, like any mum would do, she read it.
There were some uncensored raw feelings I’ve written. How I was feeling out of placed, unloved, lonely.. you know the kind of stuffs you write when you were a kid and being popular one of the most important things. The worse part was, I caught her. But, none of us said anything, not that I could remember. It was after all, in the recycled pile.
But from that day onwards, I never own a diary.
Several days later, in 2005, I signed up for a blog.
I had several other blogs over the years, which was eventually privatised when I stuck with WordPress. And for that few years, blogging was my safe haven. But sooner or later, I understood that blogsphere was an even more public environment, where people from all walks of life could read my personal thoughts and private feelings. Including people I don’t want to. It was one of the two reasons that I reduced, considerably, the number of emotional posts. Another was because I do not want to be reminded of the things that hurt me, that angers me.
Just the same as there are two sides to the story, I believe everyone of us have two different personalities, one dominate by the angel and the other, the devil. What defines our action at a particular moment depends on which personality dominates.
Despite how much I convince myself, I am in fact a very pessimistic person. In a fancy way, I like to call myself a realistic optimist. I am skeptical most of the times. I’m not a big believer of happy endings. Because I believe, we’re at a loss either way. An optimist first paints a beautiful picture of the world and later discovers the little cracks and scars in between. Meanwhile, a pessimist views the world in the saddest way possible, and later finds out that the world surprises you, one way or another.
Sometimes I wonder, when people, especially the Brits, ask “How are you doing?”, if they actually want to know how you are doing, or just an opening conversation. Even though I’m having a bad day, I’ll just mumble a “fine tq” and pretend for that moment that it is, or I’ll just find some random unrelated problems and rant about it. Now, who haven’t done that before?
“And sometimes, when you don’t ask questions, it’s not because you are afraid that someone will lie to your face. It’s because you’re afraid they’ll tell you the truth.”
We don’t tell people what we really feel anymore. In my opinion, as we grow older, we stop applying the basic rule of life: Tell the truth. We are expected to keep our emotions in check and any portrayal of negative emotions will be frowned upon. Be civilised. Make small talks. Walk away from an argument. Sugarcoat things. Smile, especially when it hurts. And each night before we go to sleep, we comfort ourselves by telling ourselves:
Everyone does it too.
Did you know? I’ve written and deleted more than ten unpublished posts over the past week. Some posts were about half the length of this post, and of course I clicked delete before even completing them. Because every time I wrote the post, I was freakishly emotional, and believe it or not, this is not an emotional post.
I believe that the way you view others would be the very same way you expect others to think about you. Although I’m generally negative about things, I believe in the beauty of friendship. I trust them and am willing to go an extra mile for them. Until they give me a reason not to.
Being generally negative has its upsides. Each day, I constantly find things that surprises me. Although there are some days that leaves me heartbroken to the very core, there are other days that makes me smile from ear to ear. That’s how life is.
The way I’m dealing with what I’m going through now, is not by words. Just hugs.
(All pictures but last: Credits to ezra sang)