The Silent Musing

I remembered my first Valentine present. It was a tiny fancy binder clip, no bigger than the size of my thumb, and had a yellow bear face superglued to one side of it. An unexpected gift; it brought warmth to my heart, and I had kept this treasure in my memory box ever since.

The Giver was a high school friend; we hardly speak to each other although we were fairly acquainted through mutual friends and prefectorial activities. On Feb 14, She brought a whole bag of clips with different coloured bears, each glued to the binder clip.

Yes, my first V-day gift is from a she.

It was a simple reminder that this occasion was more than just a romantic date; it was a time to let friends know that we care about them, and that they are not forgotten.. or invisible.

Another Valentine present was from a close friend; two stem of red roses and a card. It was a really nice gesture, with all the trouble that he had gone through. I’ve only read the card once, but it was in the line of ‘I just want to let you know that someone cares about you.” Thank you. In case you’re wondering, we are still friends. Several months before, I had a intuition that this friend had carried a torch for me, but I brushed off the feeling and naively thought that if I ignored it, it would go away.

The Silent Musing

I was a love skeptic. I spent my younger years doubting love. I frowned upon the idea of how people carelessly throw the word ‘love’ as though they understood it perfectly. Because I didn’t. Back then, I had heard so much stories about breakups and betrayals that I instinctively shut a part of me away from the world. I made myself feel so broken from other people’s pain and heartaches that I forgot to give myself a chance of love.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky

This may come as a surprise, but I hated it when I received confessions. Especially when it was out of the blue. Instead of reading and listening about pain, I will be the cause of it. And I hated myself even more for it. I wondered how could people easily say they love someone like me? At one of my lowest points in life, I used to think that I was not worthy of anyone’s love. And my insecurity and doubt had cause someone more pain that I could ever imagine.

Karma catches up with everyone eventually. As the saying goes, what goes around comes around. and karma has finally caught up to me.

It took me a while to realise I was not the victim. He was not the villain. There were red flags, but I ignored them at let my emotions take a backseat for a simple conversations between him and me. I chose to let him take me on a roller coaster ride and let myself define my own happiness partly based on him. But, I chose to do all these things. As much as I believe in fate and karma, I also believe that we have the power to take charge of our own lives.  Life is a series of choices; our actions and decisions are our own responsibilities and will pave our future. A right decision can lead to satisfaction and success but a wrong decision can lead us astray. And then there’s the choice to let it stump us or be a lesson well learnt. My choice is to think positive, because everything happens for a reason. Look at the bright side, and even the sky will smile for you.

You know what? Maybe it was the idea of love that made the ride so dangerously exciting. Maybe, we were simply in love with the idea of being in love. What I know for sure is this: He is not a mistake, nor is he a regret. He is simply a person that crossed path. And oddly enough, he may be the balance that I need in life. At the end, I just got to accept how nature has run its course, chin up, and keep smiling.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

So I just let go of what I know I don’t know
And I know I’ll only do this by
Living in the moment
Living our life, easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
Living in the moment

I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done
I let my past go past
And now I’m having more fun
I’m letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone

-Jason Mraz
Living in the Moment (2012)

I may not have met my other half yet or know what it feels like to be in love, but all I know is, good things come to those who wait. Till then, I’ll just be living in the moment.

.

To those who have found love, wishing you all a Happy Valentine’s Day. 

Update: A possible post for today’s prompt.

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