If anyone could see what is on my mind at any time of the day, he or she would most probably be stuck in a maze, surrounded by tangled knots at every turn. There are many theories that defines the difference between men and women; books such as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus or Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti are published, as though the need to show a clear distinction between both genders and to rationalise every decisions are important.
I am a woman, and I wish that I can rationalise my thoughts and actions, but I can’t. I am often torn between the need of doing what I really want to do and what is being expected from me.There’s an angel and a devil inside me, inside every single one of us. I hear these two voices everyday, loud and clear, and whichever voice I choose to listen defines my actions.
For example, I choose to be nice. Most of the time anyways. When I was in high school, and a friend asked what I wanted to be, I said “a nice person.” She, being more matured, smiled at my innocence and said, I quote,: “Being nice is the hardest thing to do.” Thinking back, I finally understand what she meant.
Even so, I subconsciously define happiness based on others; making people happy makes me happy. Making my parents laugh makes me feel blessed. Seeing my cousins smile makes me smile. Lending a helping hand to a friend in need makes me feel good. I couldn’t help it but feel hurt when people tell me their sob stories.
I know these little things matter, but I am always crippled by fear. A fear to be heard. The fear of letting people know the real me because I am still figuring out who that person is. So I continue to mask my emotions to people that I am not ready to let in. I am more sensitive towards people’s body languages and facial expressions that I struggle at things that come naturally to others such as casual conversation.
I am same person, yet different, as I was when I was 16. I still make mistakes, but I am no longer ashamed of them and learn from them. I always reminisce because life is a series of choices and every wrong choice leads me to a better person. I am starting to see my self-worth, and for what it’s worth, I think I am doing pretty okay.