Stream of Consciousness

If anyone could see what is on my mind at any time of the day, he or she would most probably be stuck in a maze, surrounded by tangled knots at every turn. There are many theories that defines the difference between men and women; books such as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus or Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti are published, as though the need to show a clear distinction between both genders and to rationalise every decisions are important.

I am a woman, and I wish that I can rationalise my thoughts and actions, but I can’t. I am often torn between the need of doing what I really want to do and what is being expected from me.There’s an angel and a devil inside me, inside every single one of us. I hear these two voices everyday, loud and clear, and whichever voice I choose to listen defines my actions.

For example, I choose to be nice. Most of the time anyways. When I was in high school, and a friend asked what I wanted to be, I said “a nice person.” She, being more matured, smiled at my innocence and said, I quote,: “Being nice is the hardest thing to do.” Thinking back, I finally understand what she meant.

Even so, I subconsciously define happiness based on others; making people happy makes me happy. Making my parents laugh makes me feel blessed. Seeing my cousins smile makes me smile. Lending a helping hand to a friend in need makes me feel good. I couldn’t help it but feel hurt when people tell me their sob stories.

I know these little things matter, but I am always crippled by fear. A fear to be heard. The fear of letting people know the real me because I am still figuring out who that person is. So I continue to mask my emotions to people that I am not ready to let in. I am more sensitive towards people’s body languages and facial expressions that I struggle at things that come naturally to others such as casual conversation.

I am same person, yet different, as I was when I was 16. I still make mistakes, but I am no longer ashamed of them and learn from them. I always reminisce because life is a series of choices and every wrong choice leads me to a better person. I am starting to see my self-worth, and for what it’s worth, I think I am doing pretty okay.

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4 thoughts on “Stream of Consciousness

  1. edgar62 says:

    Interesting thoughts.When I was reading this I was reminded of an old song “If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts would tell”. But yes, being nice is not easy and there some people who make it difficult to be nice to them. But perhaps they are having a really bad day and perhaps – just perhaps – our being nice to them is what will help them through the day.

    • Jill says:

      I like how you say “our being nice to them is what will help them through the day”. That’s what I try to do everyday. It’s hard to be nice to people who are mean to you, and that’s why sometimes, shame to say, devil in me surfaces…. 😉

  2. eroeck09 says:

    Great thoughts, Jill. I definitely agree that our personal emotions are a reflection of the emotions that we evoke in others. Kindness and positivity are both difficult things to show day in and day out… But it’s inspirational to hear from someone who strives to be kind, above all else.

    • Jill says:

      We try to be the better version of ourselves. At least I try, thought I make many mistakes every day. I guess, you can’t learn without mistakes, right? 🙂

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