Random Thoughts #02: Scars and Bruises

I feel like a fraud.

How do I write to about motivating people, when I could hardly find the motivation myself? That was the direction of the piece I am supposed to write. The piece that I agreed to write. For someone else. And I have not started a word on it.

Saying yes is easy. I say yes to situations that are uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone but beneficial to my personal growth. It is the part after it – the doing – that scares me.

So here I am.

This is my place of procrastination. A place where I write about anything else, as I convince myself that it was to keep the creative juice flowing. But is it really? There are so many variation of the topic floating in the web; what would make my writing stands out and mean something? What if I am just not good enough?

I am in a constant battle between the Optimist and the Doubtful, between the Carefree and the Anxious. Usually, the Optimist and Carefree win. Usually. Most of the time, I refused to let the Doubtful and Anxious win the game of tug-of-war.

The pieces I write here are the stories and emotions that I want to remember. Especially when I needed closure.This would be the first time I write for others. For someone to believe in me, given my limited writing experience, is a feeling very new to me; it is a mix between feeling incredible honoured for the opportunity, yet completely terrified about letting people down.

And I cringed a little, each time he enthusiastically tell his peers about what I am doing. Which I have not started, if I haven’t said it already.

Breathe. Just breathe.

This has been a rather interesting week. Did you know that the term “interesting” was something I learnt from my university mate? He told me it was to describe a situation that was neither good nor bad, or as a conversation filler for something that you have no response to.

Anyways, it has been ten days since I fell out of my headstand self practice at home. Quite badly, I may add. I decided that I was ready to move away from the comfort of a wall and could successfully hold the pose for a few seconds the week before.

However, that fateful day, I fell backwards in my attempt, knocking my shins into the corner of some furnitures. The pain was excruciating, as I curled myself into a fetal position, finding comfort in my own embrace. I might have taken the popular quote “if you fall, get back and try again” too literally. So, I got up. Noticing that I didn’t break and bones or twist any muscles, I tried again. And fell again. And tried again. And fell again.

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein. 

Perhaps I am a little crazy.

I would have attempted more before I noticed that I was running late for an appointment.

To discuss about the direction of the piece I have not written.

Yes, we are back at that again.

Both my shins ached but I didn’t think much of it. I knew that it would leave several horrendous bruises. And it did. The bruises were so bad that someone commented that I look like a victim of domestic abuse. (Funny, that was what the doctor suspected, which I explained to him that I am too clumsy and bruise too easily, when I went for a medical checkup more than ten years ago.

I’m side tracking again.

Back to the story.

That’s not all I had. During my appointment, I noticed a stain in my black yoga pants. It turned out that I had punctured as small hole into my right shin; the pinhole size wound was so deep that it wouldn’t stop bleeding until the next day. Now that I think about this, I should probably look at my platelet count.

The pain from my bruises took about a week to heal. I resumed my headstand practice next to a wall as I tried to build muscle memories. After all, the progress from yoga is never linear, but with each practice, I aim to be better.

Headstand.png

Random incident of the week. If you’re afraid of supernatural stories, you probably should skip this.

On Thursday, I had to work till late in the office to meet an impossible deadline. I was writing my report in the simulation room, with my music playing from my phone, when I felt a sudden chill in my bones.

It was a feeling that was eerily familiar.

I felt the same chills a few years ago at a different building, before my Company relocated. Although I had several encounters before, back then, it was one of the times that I felt scared, so I got up, packed my bag and left the office immediately.

I was not as afraid as that previous encounter, so I assumed it was a friendly presence. So I said out loud, “Please leave me alone, I’ll leave as soon as I finish my report.” I chanted some phrases for inner peace, and prayed that the presence would understand English.

Soon after, I felt calmer so I assumed the presence has left me alone. I held true to my words As soon as I finished my work, I got up and left.

There are a number of ways this situation can be interpreted. Like many things that happened recently, I learn to trust what I feel, at the same time, not over thinking too much.

I hope that I am a good judge of character. I assume that when a person tells me that he prefers to hear my unfiltered thoughts and observations instead of me holding my tongue, it was sincere. I decide not to be oversensitive and assume all the conversation is about me, even when I overheard the conversation that is seemingly about me.

Because over thinking kills.

Which is why I haven’t written the article yet.

Yes, we are back at that.

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