2019

In the end, she became more than what she expected. she became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going. – r.m.

This is my last post on this platform.

I have been writing on WordPress for a whole decade, starting from the first day in Manchester back in 2009. I moved from other blogging platforms like Blogspot, Myspace and Friendster, where each platform signifies a season in my life. Over the years, my writing has transitioned from documenting daily and important events to a therapeutic avenue for self-expression and healing.

Like all the previous years, there are a lot of pleasant experiences and connections in 2019 that I will remember and treasure, and there are also the not-so-good news and memories that I can never forget.

Yet this is the year that it hits me.

That the universe will continue to present us with the same problems, the same hurdles in different forms until we learn the lessons we needed in order to grow. In other words, we can’t run away forever. We can’t shut our emotions out and thinking that out-of-sight out-of-mind because… the past has an interesting way of catching up to us.

And everything that happened this year reminded me of just that.

This is the year I laughed the hardest, yet it also is the year I cried the most. I could tell you about the life lessons I learnt and the experiences that I been through and the change in me. I could tell you about the closure I have, or the fears I had to overcame or the duality I have learn to embrace.

Because, we all have this desire to be heard, to be understood, to be loved. Sharing makes us feel more connected. Perhaps in a way, through writing I seek validation subconsciously. To know that my voice matters. That I matter. 

There is so much vulnerability in my writing this year, and it triggers a lot of honest and raw conversations. As I build more meaningful connections offline; as I open myself to more vulnerability, I am not as afraid of being misunderstood or judged. It is okay if not everyone knows the real me. I understand myself and some of you do too, and that is more than enough.

And, that is a very powerful state to be in.

I will continue to write. I may write on a different platform or take my writing completely offline, only time will tell. Thank you WordPress, for the space for growth in this season of life. To the people I crossed path with in this lifetime, virtually or in person, thank you.

The next chapter awaits.

Signing off,

Jill

**Posted on January 12, 2020.  

Yoga Teaching Journal: Nov 2019

This is the start of a series to log my thoughts as a yoga instructor, and everything in between.

Yoga is a very personal for me. Of all the interests I have picked up along the way, yoga is the one that stuck. It is something I do for myself, and not what was being expected or asked of me or that it reminded me of old memories. It is my way of listening to my own thoughts and body; to calm my racing heart and to breathe, a little deeper, to look inwards and to slow down my thoughts. It is my way of both living and escaping  the physical world, even for a brief moment.

I took a while to decide to teach in a public setting, even though there are a lot of opportunities opening up. Because I was afraid. Afraid that I take something so personal and sacred to me, and change it from a stress reliever to a (negative) stress enhancer. As I silenced the noises around – of being expected to not do anything for free and to teach immediately, I remember my intention when I took up the RYT200 course: to spread the love of the practice, both on and off the mat.

Being a yoga teacher goes against everything I am used to; the attention of others to me, and having to look outwards (at the students) rather than focusing on my own practice. It challenges me to be more confident, and not be so afraid of my own voice. 

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